As Dave Knockles so memorably put it, I AM THE FUCK BACK!
I have returned, like the prodigal phoenix from the wilderness, back to the company and the market where I became the marketing legend, guru, ideas-busting genius and acclaimed insightologist that I am today.
I'm back in consumer durables. Where I belong.
Big Andy Poleman (my MD again) made me an offer I couldn't refuse. (Mainly because if I did refuse it, he said, he'd punch my cunt off.) I made him sweat, mind! Nobody hurries Dave Knockles into a decision! He demanded a response in 24 hours. He got one in 26. That's brinksmanship, my friends. It's all about the size of your fucking pellets.
So, what will I do, now that I'm back?
Well, I'm not back, actually. I have to serve a week's notice. (Another employer stupid enough to only have me on a week's notice! I know! Idiots! You only keep staff you really aren't sure about on a week's notice! I can't believe pretty much everyone I've worked for has made the same mistake.)
I will serve out this week with diligence and professionalism, even though Mark Schitz, my soon-to-be-ex-MD responded to my resignation with a puzzled look, a slightly frozen expression of fear and then the words, 'Who are you again?' (He said he thought I'd left some time ago. What a fruitcake! Adios, sucker!)
So, while some would serve notice at home doing fuck-alll, I will be at the boozer with my Blackberry well and truly ON, ready to field calls. (Well, I say it'll be on, I mean on vibrate, obviously. I don't want to annoy my fellow regulars in The Cock and Balls. And I'll keep it in the car, of course. Rude, innit, looking at your phone all the time?)
I will then begin my new / old job WITH THE PASSION OF A SIX-HEADED MARKETING BEAST STRAPPED TO AN EXOCET FLYING THROUGH A VORTEX OF ENTHUSIASM AND FRESH THINKING.
Now, I held a pitch just before I left, then I held a pitch at my new place, but I'm not going to go through that again. Pitching is so time-consuming for client and agency alike, and so costly for the agencies that lose. I also firmly believe that for the client, stability is a brand's best friend. (Also, Big Andy Poleman said if I even thought about changing the agency, he'd fuck my legs up with a hammer and then punch my cunt off.)
So it'll be straight back in the saddle to the breach of the coal face with a new lease of lust for life in a well-worn pair of shoes in pastures new. Or some shit. I don't know. I'm fucking wankered again. Fuck off.
I can't wait to see my old team again! I'm looking forward to seeing their faces when I walk in! They don't know how lucky they are to work for me twice.
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!