I am, as many of you will know, a marketing professional of unrivalled experience, talent, insight, envelope-busting creativity, girth and ferocity.
So you've probably been wondering how I behave in a pitch.
(I imagine many of you have wondered what I look like naked too. Come on, ladies. Admit it. Power is an aphrodisiac and they don't come more powerful than the Marketing Director of Europe's NUMBER ONE distributor of adult gadgets / marital erotic enhancement devices.)
Well, I've already revealed what pitches are actually about: making yourself look good in front of your peers by making the agency look stupid.
Here, then, are my top tips on how to achieve that goal.
A trusty favourite, this one. Just as the account man is getting started, butt in. Plain and simple. Butt the fuck in. He may be starting to talk about how great his agency is or how much they want your account or ARE YOU THE PEOPLE WHO DID THE AD WITH THE DOG IN IT?
See? Easy, isn't it? Just butt in. It throws the account man off his train of thought and shows your colleagues that you are so fucking awesome, you're prepared to stop this minion in his tracks and dominate the conversation. A bit like a bear would, or perhaps a shark.
2. Drop a bomb.
This is similar to interrupting, but more disruptive. It's disrupterrupting, if you will.
Before the pitch, think of half a dozen 'big' questions about marketing theory, the current advertising landscape, the state of the economy - wotevs. Just like the interruption technique, wait until the speaker is in full flow and then 'drop a bomb', butting right in like an angry goat with a hard-on, launching your pre-prepared question.
For example: We believe that the way to leverage maximum impact in this market is TELL ME. WHAT ARE THE TWO BIGGEST THREATS TO CONSUMER LOYALTY IN YOUR OPINION?
Ker-fucking-boom. The bomb is dropped. Again, this will make the speaker look flustered and weak, while you look like the big fucking cheese who can do whatever he likes to the agency because you're the boss.
One note of caution: make sure the question has nothing to do with whatever the speaker is talking about. It must be totally unrelated to cause maximum fluster, confusion, tension, anxiety and suicidal thoughts.
3. The Great Wall of Laptop
Simple, this one. Take your laptop into the pitch, pop the screen up and hunker over it, as though working. Do this while the presentation continues, and be sure not to make any eye contact with anyone from the agency. This will unsettle them deeply and make you look super-cool and important.
Sometimes, I get all my colleagues on the pitch panel to do the same, so we're all working away on laptops. It's brilliant. One agency boy, when face with this Great Wall of Laptop, said, 'Do you want us to pause for a moment while you guys finish what you're doing?'
Played right into my hands, that. I barked back (keeping my eyes fixed on my screen), 'WE'RE FUCKING MULTI-TASKING! IT'S WHAT WE DO HERE! AND WE NEED AN AGENCY THAT DOES THE SAME! YOU CLEARLY AREN'T THAT AGENCY. I SUGGEST YOU FUCK OFF!'
I can't tell you how good that made me look in front of my colleagues. Shame, really, because they'd got a strategy that I reckon would have quadrupled sales.
Quite simply, have a snooze. What says 'I'm the Alpha-Alpha Male round here' more eloquently than sleeping right in their faces?
Use my gifts wisely, my friends. (Or use them unwisely. Who fucking cares? It'll only be some agency you fuck over enough to make them fire a load of people, but that's hardly kiddy-fiddling is it?)
With that, I must away. I've got some ads to approve and a nice, fresh red pen in my hand. I'll probably be making changes just so I can use it!
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!