Thursday, 5 August 2010







I just took a call from none other than Big Andy Poleman, the MD at my last company. (The company, it could be argued, where I carved out a niche as a marketing legend.)

Here's how it went:

"Alright, Knockles, you fucking cunt."

"Jesus! Hello, Mr Poleman."

"Look, are you busy? I mean, after we fired you because you're shit, did you get another job?"

"Yes. I emailed you and everything."

"Did you? I never read that shit. I get one of the slags to do it for me! HA HA! (Laughs and coughs for 2 minutes.)"

"Er...what's up, Mr Poleman?"

"Call me Andy."

"Okay. What's up, Andy?"

"Actually, go back to Mr Poleman. You calling me Andy sounds fucking horrible."

"Okay. What's up, Mr Poleman?"

"Well, since you left, things have been going very well."


"Sales have quadrupled."


"The bloke who replaced you got a new agency in and they're doing all this really good stuff. You know, ads and all that shite."

"I see."

"Well, that's the fucking problem. It's all the agency, innit? That cunt's doing fuck-all, but he cost a fortune."


"So I thought, 'Why don't I get Knockles back? His wages are a third what this fucker's on and the agency's doing everything anyway."

(See? SEE? I fucking told you that doing good ads was career suicide.)

"So what are you saying, Mr Poleman?"

"I'm offering you your job back, you dopey cunt. What do you think I'm fucking doing?"

"Oh. Cor. Right. Er...I'd have to come back on improved terms."

"You always were a cheeky cunt, Knockles. Right - I'll improve your job title from Marketing Director to Director of Marketing. And you can have my old BMW. Well, not the old one - the one before the one before that."

"Wow. I'll have to think about it, Mr Poleman."

"You've got until tomorrow. Don't be a cunt. Poleman out."


Phew! What about that? I know I've just put the phone down, but I really don't think I've ever had a better telephone call than that!

'Director of Marketing!' Back in consumer durables! A 2002 BMW!

I'll have to think hard about this.

Give me your thoughts, my friends. What should I do?

Anyway, I'm off to take all the wit and subtlety out of some headlines.

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!


  1. From @hjonesy

    So, I'm assuming you'll appoint the best (most expensive) agency from your current pitch process to work with your imminent replacement. That way, in a year's time, when you're back at your old company, your current company (which will then be your old company...keep up will you) will phone you with a similar offer to that of Poleman now and you can upgrade to a newer old BMW perhaps.

    It's all about the long game Knockles...but you already know that.

  2. Knockles. You're mid pitch. This presents a fantastic opportunity. Just as the global ECD of East London's edgiest Agency is turning over his first board, probably to show you a fucking Twitter Feed, you stand up out of your chair and tell the cunt "the pitch is off, I'm back in the durables game".

    Think of the look on his face. Poor prick's just spent the last month thinking about how the rip off the Old Spice ads and make it relevant to senile dildos and overage lube. And you've shown him exactly where he sits in the grander scheme of things. Below you.

    Then back to Poleman you go. First things first while you're there. Get that ECD and his mates back in, pitching for your glorious account.

    Two pitches Dave. In quick succession. That is a lot of fucking lunches, nights out and Agency humiliation potential.

    Don't fuck it up.

  3. Don't do it Knockles, you still have a lot to achieve in the over 65 sex toy industry...actually that sounds like a lot of work, fuck it, maybe you should go back to Poleman. At least then your bio on your blog will be accurate again.

  4. It's obvious you are going back Knockles, you never updated your profile when you left the consumer durables bunch.
    There's also the unfinished business with your great rival at the market leader.
    Get back there and show us all how it's done.